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EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the eighth in a series of Monday odes that chronicle the legacy newsroom. Each is written from a different first-person perspective. Together they create the mumbled narrative of a special and sadly contracting culture. The author, Don Nelson, has been a newsman for almost 50 years. Previous poems are listed at after today’s ode.
KEYNOTE SPEAKER, FAKING IT
You people will listen to anything.
At a media management conference
I gripped the podium, leaned forward
And pronounced to the room:
“Unless you are using
Fungible parametric systology
As your decision-making paradigm
You will fail.”Everyone nodded and wrote it down.
No one asked what it meant because
No one wanted to look stupid
In front of all the others.I made it up.
When I offered a webinar on
Fungible parametric systology
I made a small fortune in a single day.I have a blog and a podcast
And am on the speed dial
Of every media analyst and media writer
And media critic and media guru
And self-promoting media pundit
In the country.I acknowledge the irony
That I myself am
A self-promoting media pundit.
It pays better than most other media jobs.
And the fewer media jobs there are
The more people listen to me.Here’s the secret: Always predict the worst.
When it happens, you’ll be a genius.
If it doesn’t, no one will remember.You get paid either way.
To see previous poems in this series:
Ode #1, City Editor, Friday Night
Ode #2: Reporter, On Deadline
Ode #3: Copy Editor, Standing Guard
Ode #4: Photographer, Under The Gun
Ode #5: Pity the Poor Publisher
Ode #6: CEO, In the Catbird Seat
Ode #7: Media Consultant, At a Cost